Twin souls over-romanticized BS or true love?
I have been thinking about writing an article about twin flames (twin souls) for some time. But every time I felt it wasn’t the right time. This morning after a twin flame runner showed me a real peek behind the facade he had pulled up for the outside world, I knew the time had come to write my own twin soul article.
I have known about twin souls since I was nine years old. I grew up in a spiritual community in California and I can still see myself sitting there reading about twin flames. I was struck by the concept and desperately wanted to believe in the idea of being destined for just one… As time went by and I grew up, like many I distanced myself from the spiritual beliefs of my parents to find my own and twin souls became nothing more than over-romanticized bullshit to me.
That was until 2014 when I met a young guy online that had such an impact on me, that I soon realized – he was the one, he was my twin flame. God, if I had known then what I was in for I think I would have become the runner! What started as an after office hours online flirt, quickly became the most important person in my life. Even though thousand and thousands of miles separated us. Within one month I was damn sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him – marry him and have his child. For him (24 at the time) this was the happiest day of his life to hear this, he wanted nothing more until he realized he had one small problem his (Indian) family would never go for it. So he did the only thing he could think of, he disappeared on me without a warning. He just ran and cut off all contact.
There is always an obstacle
One of the tell tale signs of a twin flame connection is an immense inexplicable pull towards each other combined with a sure fire obstacle that keeps you apart. I’m always amazed at people who deliberately want to find their twin soul and ask the Universe to bring their twin flame into their life, they have no fucking clue what they are asking for because twin flame love is nowhere near what we consider to be love in our society. I also secretly smile when people come to me gushing over, with ‘love’ cause they found their twin soul and life is so perfect. I always tell them if this is really your twin flame, you better buckle up cause you are just about to hit the rollercoasters like you have never been on any in your whole life. Meeting your twin soul ALWAYS starts a cleansing and purging process, bringing up your own shit that still needs to be healed.
There is often something keeping twins apart, until the time is right. Large age differences, cultural differences, long distances, he’s married, she’s married, they are both married. He’s married to your sister, your twin is the same sex and what to do with this huge attraction? Usually whatever the obstacle is, it brings a lot of shame and is a big hit to the ego to overcome it. It is set up this way, because twin flame relationships are designed as an express way to enlightenment. The struggle and the pain caused by the obstacle in combination with the extreme pull both twins feel towards each other and their undying love for each other can literally pull them out of their ego and back into Oneness with all that is.
I put the word love in quotations earlier, because until you have met your twin soul you have no clue what love is. Not in the real sense of love. That is what the twin flame process comes to achieve in your life, it will help you birth real love, unconditional love for the other, for yourself and for the world. This might sound arrogant, but trust me once you meet your twin soul you will realize you never knew what true love felt like, until now.
You can’t break the connection, no matter what you try
The twin flame stage is set up in such a way that you can’t leave, no matter what you try. No matter how good you are in walking away from (possibly toxic) relationships, you won’t be able to break away from this one. The bond is unbreakable, believe me my twin and I tried everything. So you are fucked, cause there is no way out. Even if you are the runner or try to run, the Universe is in-exhaustive in her creativity to push you back to each other.
By keeping you locked into the bond with each other a healing process is started that will pull you through every pain or fear you would otherwise never even consider facing, until you are cleansed to the core. Your love for each other that started as something that you will later look back on and hardly recognize as love, will only grow deeper as the immense pull keeps pulling you toward each other with a force that you have never felt before in your life. This is scary as hell for both of you, but usually it is the guy that runs.
Even women tend to run and try and hide in overeating, games with other men or other attempts to sooth the extreme pain. It doesn’t work anymore though. Myself just after my twin ran for the hills, I figured the best way to get over a guy was to get under one. After all we had only known each other two months before he ran, so I could just go back to life as it was. I had two guys that I could call when I wanted some bedroom fun. I called one and he was on his way. I was driving home to meet up with him, when I got a Twitter dm from a friend and client showing me this hot guy that she saw for me. The guy himself was not my type, I’m not into bodybuilders – his name however struck me like lightening. He had the same first name and last name as my twin. Needless to say, even though the bedroom friend tried his best – it was ruined. We never saw each other again because I couldn’t give myself to anyone anymore so shallowly after feeling such a deep connection with my twin – who at that point had only been at the other end of a screen or a phone.
It took me a couple more months with the other guy and my twins best friend (that’s how unbreakable the bond is) who got too close trying to stop my endless stream of tears, to realize that there was only one man for me – no other man at that point could give me what my twin gave me (and we had still not met in real life). He wasn’t even talking to me. He was trying to hide himself in a relationship with a girl in his friends circle. Still I decided to commit myself fully to him. I had never been someone for one night stands, but I had not been in any serious relationship since my divorce then already 5 years before.
I made the strangest decision ever. I decided to keep myself only for my twin, forsaking all others even when he wasn’t there. Even when he wasn’t talking to me. He was supposed to get engaged shortly after we met, but somehow that never happened. All I knew was, if I wanted a love like I had experienced with him to stay permanently in my life – I had to match that energetic frequency with my actions to manifest this love in my life, with him or his equivalent.
Twin flame or just a toxic asshole?
What happened for me is that when I stopped fighting the connection, when I stopped trying to run and hide, I started healing smaller and bigger trauma’s I had been carrying around with me for way too long. Like most adults I had my own baggage from the past, from my childhood, wounds with my dad, wounds with my mother, wounds from my childhood religion, two ex-husbands to forgive even deeper and myself and life for loosing my youngest baby girl only 13 days after she was born.
To my amazement all the pain I felt brought on by my twin running out on me, took me on a journey of healing all these past hurts. Friends, family, co-workers thought my twin was the biggest heartless asshole to ever walk the planet, but knowing him had only brought improvement in my life. I had only gotten out better, then when I got in. Every time I realized I had so much to be grateful for even when it had hurt like hell. He didn’t actually do that much. He loved me, saw the real me and loved every atom of my being and then disappeared. He tried once afterwards to tell me he didn’t love me anymore but almost choked in his own words, laughed sheepishly and then ran some more.
Hardly very abusive behavior. I would bang on his walls and once in a while when he couldn’t keep me out any longer he would let me back in for a sweet couple of minutes, sometimes hours and then he would run some more again.
When you’ve got yourself a toxic asshole, you will feel it because life will only get worse and he will make you feel worse about yourself. In a twin flame relationship you will never feel worse about yourself. Rather through seeing yourself through the eyes of your twin, you will only learn to love yourself more.
Signs from the Universe
After months of running and me finally ready to give up completely, utterly exhausted from banging on his walls I gave up and surprisingly he opened the door to a crack again. After six months of blocking me as much as he could, he had to admit that his plan to forget each other wasn’t working as he had hoped it would, he couldn’t forget me either. We had still never met each other in real life. We had never kissed. We had only talked, texted and maybe one or two video chats. He had found himself a hot girl to bang, yet still he thought of me when he was falling asleep at night.
After that he ran some more. I started to feel a baby soul around me and started telling him about this. I decided to start preparing myself to receive this child and kept him in the loop so I wouldn’t scare the shit out of him when he did show up on my doorstep. I was sure I would open the door one day and he would be standing there. Most guys will run the other way when a woman starts to talk about babies, he started coming closer and closer. It was the weirdest thing ever.
Anyone listening in on our conversations knowing how short we knew each other and how little time we had spent together in that short time period would have been baffled by how we sounded like we had been a couple forever. We both realized this and both had our own way in dealing with our insecurity about how REAL this could actually be, logically speaking. He was just skeptical and said ‘I am just another guy you met online, you have met so many. Why do you love me?’
I took my refugee in asking signs from the Universe and boy did I get signs. I got all the signs I asked for and then I actually didn’t dare trust them, because what would I do to myself if I let myself believe them and they turned out to be not true. How would I survive that? I got my signs often in pairs of three, especially when they were specific signs I had asked for. Like the Universe really wanted me to fully comprehend, that this was really a sign and not just a fluke coincidence. Then I started to see 11:11 all over the place. It was nonstop. I Googled it and read that it among other things, means you are about to meet your twin flame in the physical.
Twin flames are governed by divine timing
Shortly after the explosion of 11:11 in my reality I got an invitation out of the blue to attend a wedding in India where my twin would also be. There was no way in hell he could get himself out of this one. My twins best friend was getting married and wanted me at the wedding, even though this friend and I had had a falling out six months back, we had also been best friends to each other and he wanted me with him on this special occasion.
My twin had only two weeks before written me the sweetest email about his non existing love life, his focus on his work and the real reason why he tried to keep me away from him most of the time. After that email he had come back on Whatsapp said he had until then never shared his problems with anyone and then continued to describe how he wanted to make love to me.
The day I got the wedding invitation my twin had stopped talking to me. I found out later from him he had gone back to the girl he had been seeing. He refused to talk to me until I was there in front of him. Three long months he refused any and every contact, only one time when I had sent him a voice clip crying he sent one back that he was sorry to make me feel like this. Another time there was an earthquake in his region and he responded to let me know he was okay, That was it. Even when I did Karwa Chauth for him, a fast that Indian women do for the well being of their husbands – he completely ignored me.
I had to get on a plane to India by myself, to go to a village in the middle of fucking nowhere trusting that even though my twin refused to talk to me he was longing to see me too. Most people would have never gotten on that plane. I decided I wasn’t going to let a little bit of difficult behavior on his side fuck up the most important meeting in my life. I worked hard on myself to let go of all my anger, disappointment, frustration and pain. Hell bent not to let anything poison this epic moment.
The Universe always has your back
I am so glad I did get on that plane and that I had the guts to trust the words my heart was telling me. No he wasn’t there to meet me at the airport, although I had hoped that. He also didn’t come along when his friends came out to meet me in the hotel I was staying in. He called me the next night to calm me down and assure me we were going to be together when he also came to the village. When he heard I was staying the whole week in the village, he cancelled his plans to go to the city to stay with me.
When we first touched, our hands found each other and intertwined it was like the print of his hand burned into my skin. Hours later I could still feel his touch. Only two nights later we became lovers and it felt like we were already a married couple. Even though we were in the house of our friend with about 40 Indian relatives all around us, he managed to sneak into my room two nights to sleep in each others arms.
After the village I booked a hotel in the city where he lived and the running slowly started creeping back in. He admitted to be involved with a girl there… it had not broken the bond from his side and although I have walked away from men before who were elsewhere involved, it didn’t break the bond on my side either.
Until he was sure he could stay with me, that we could be together – he didn’t want to make me pregnant. In the village there was no risk of pregnancy. In a hotel room all alone, that became a completely different story. He started refusing my calls, staying away. The night I left his city my team who was traveling with me and I took an Uber cab. With a half address found on the internet and a lot of help from the Universe we found his house miraculously.
He came down to see me, I deliberately stayed out of sight of his family because I knew that was the whole reason he was running. He was so happy to see me. After we talked he held my hands as he looked into my eyes and love was just streaming from our heartchakra’s radiating through every pore in our body. I have never experienced anything like that with another human being. I never felt more loved, or felt more love for the other. It was earth shattering.
The next night he stood me up at the airport, we called and he repeated four times he wished he was coming with me. Instead guess what? Yup, he ran again.
Twin souls and your soul purpose
That was four months ago. He learned from the last time. In the village he told me, ‘I did my damn best to stay away from you – but your persistence got to me and I couldn’t keep you away from me any longer‘. This time he refused to talk to me on phone, he knew I can hear every emotion in his voice and that he would be a goner if he let me come that close. The little communication we have had, has gone over Whatsapp in text. It was brutal, when I finally got him to explain himself. He wasn’t doing anything he said. I was trying to make something out of nothing. It should be clear to me by now that he doesn’t love me he said. ‘I admire you, I really do. But I don’t love you the way you think I do.‘ In short 180 degrees shift compared to where we left off, which was looking at how we could take the next step towards a life together.
My work life has been on steroids since I came back. I have been working like crazy the past months finishing up projects that had been pending and feeling pushed in a completely new direction. In India I had already asked my twin to take over my branding agency, he is also owner of among other things a design company. Now back home, I really needed him to step in and take over from me, he refused even though nothing had happened – I had done nothing wrong. It didn’t matter. He had made up his mind. I had no place in his life anymore, not as a lover, not as a friend and also not work related. A total shutdown, after two years he even closed off his Viber account – he had always used this to let me know he was listening to me. I had pushed him before, he always left the message read notification on. Now it was turned off.
The oddest thing was that I was getting really positive signs in regards to a mutual future when in my physical reality things only seemed to get worse and worse in any case between him and me. Because on all other levels things were expanding rapidly. When I came home I confided in my mom that I didn’t know how I would survive if my twin shut me out of his life forever. She said, you survived the other two… You will survive this time too and she was right. Although nothing went as I hoped, I have so much to be grateful for.
This run like every time my twin flame ran before, brought me such a gift, the gift of really stepping into my own power completely and living my life purpose. Where before I wondered how on earth I would survive without him in my life, I now know for sure I’m going to be okay no matter what. Before my trip to India I knew I had a life purpose greater, than the business I had set up. But I was in no way ready yet to step into my mission.
After meeting my twin in real life, everything changed. Now recently as I was working with a healer on my new business and formulating the slogan, a blast of energy started streaming down through my crown chakra all the way down to my root chakra. I then felt a pulsating sensation in my heartchakra and root chakra in the tailbone. When the energy came lose it went up quickly through all chakra’s up to the sixth but it couldn’t reach the seventh. It kept coming up in waves until finally it also reached the seventh. An even more powerful energy flushed through each chakra and I was able to access each chakra with my attention and feel the unrestricted flow of energy move through each separate chakra. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. After this experience I was much more sensitive to how things feel. Like a heart GPS was activated, to guide me even more securer on the new road I am embarking on.
And then there is grace…
In the midst of all this the Universe brought another twin flame couple in my life. He actually has the same first and last name as my twin and she and I both have the same pet name for our man without knowing this of each other. Actually he brought her into my life. I had met him at the wedding in India and after I left he bumped into his twin quite unprepared and unexpectedly.
They were madly in love when he introduced me to her. Keeping a love diary together, writing their beautiful love story together. He knew within one week he wanted to bring her home as his wife, the only problem – he was already married… His again Indian family didn’t respond all too well. It took him about one week. I had warned her, she was sure they could skip the runner phase… He ran like fucking hell.
180 degrees shift. Cold as ice, where before he was hot as lava with her. She was devastated and cried. I stayed with her for hours on Whatsapp to give her courage, to talk her through her pain. To stop her from using guys around her like an ego band-aid like I had done. Giving her the understanding she needed and someone to confide in, where there was no one in her environment who would have understood all this seemingly insanity.
I intuitively stayed away from him. He her twin contacted me once at Holi (Indian celebration) recently. I asked him how he was and he gave me this bullshit fake answer that his life was awesome and he was doing great. I was like ‘Yeah, right!‘ But who knows right, that could be how he felt. He didn’t know that I knew every intimate word he had ever said to his twin. We girls tend to get very detailed and intimate once we share our grieve.
Yesterday my twin really closed the last door he had kept open. Okay he could finally block my phone number, but I have no interest in driving him that far. This is clear enough. Even though it seemed a nightmare come true a few months ago, it felt exactly right now. Sure, I wished we could still be in each others lives but still this felt exactly as it should be.
Just before, I had decided that seeing that I had asked all these signs from the Universe again recently and got each and everyone, I was going to take a leap of faith this time and trust them blindly even when they seemed impossible looking at the current reality. The last sign was so amazing that the Universe showed it three times not to me, but someone close to me. Just to make sure that I would really understand how much this was really a sign and not a figment of my imagination.
The next morning I wake up to messages of the runner twin from the Indian twin couple, who is now finally showing his real feelings. He is telling me how much he still loves her. How he can’t stop thinking about her. How he will never love again as he loves her. That he sees no other option than to choose for his family, but that he himself has lost what was most precious to him.
Tears of love roll down my face, as I realize that her twin is telling me everything my twin wants to tell me but can’t because otherwise he will never be able to leave me….
Don’t forget twin flames aren’t about a romantic happy end
So if you are also the one who was left behind in your twin flame relationship I hope this article helps you see the blessings your twin has brought you. That you like me decide to trust the signs the Universe* gives you, even when they seem wacko in this moment. That you realize that what your runner twin is showing you, is not how he really feels about you. That is no excuse to put up with shit of course, but it will help you see that it’s in no way personal. Seeing this other twin flame couple up close like I have this past 1,5 month, really showed me that most of the things that I did my best not to take personally and not always successfully – were not personal at all, they are Universal for the twin flame process.
*Often when you make a decision to do something differently, the Universe will test you. When I decided I was going to trust my own judgment, my twin told me that it was clear he didn’t love me. He admired me, but he didn’t want to be with me. He said he didn’t want a relationship like ours. When I asked why, he said no reason. Just a matter of preference. It was like he was telling me the sky was green and not blue.
When I decided to fully rely on the signs I was getting from the Universe no matter what I saw in my current reality, my twin shut the door completely (Yes, I could stalk him and make him change all his contact info- but this is already far enough for me!). The point is that although twin flames are destined to be together most of the time, depending on what they agreed on before incarnation, the purpose of the relationship is not romance. The purpose is deep healing and immense spiritual growth, the birthing of love like I said before…. a love baby, to get you vibrating at the energetic frequency of unconditional love. To serve the world.
If you can see your twin flame bond as a blessing instead of a curse – it will drag you through all the sludge and gunk that is blocking your internal and eternal bliss and let you shine bright as the diamond you were born to be.
In the end you might end up together with your twin and have romance too, but that is the cherry on top…
For more Twin Soul insights and to follow my personal Twin Flame adventure – Check out My Indian Love Story, a modern day Twin Flame adventure.
Want to connect to other Twin Flames? Join our Gangsta Goddesses Twin Flame Community, for support on your journey of healing and personal growth.
Lots of love,
Want to clear the past life and inner child wounds that are triggering the runner and chaser dynamic between you and your twin? Book a Twin Flame Reunion Journey with me. I will help you find the way’s you are subconsciously blocking your deepest heart’s desire.